Art of the Covenant

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February 15, 2021: I’m in the middle of grief from a series of losses and currently trapped in my parents’ house by snowmageddon; so in desperate need of a laugh--which means it’s story time, y’all.

 

In 2020, I was a candidate for State House of Representatives so my team was constantly making me aware that my less than subtle way of communicating with the world might need to be toned down. To make them less stressed, I started saying “fuck” a lot less on social media, but I refused to change much else beyond that and continued just being me.

 

Which is why the saga of the lost art shouldn’t surprise anyone who ever read my twitter feed or listened to my podcast…

 

At the time I had been involved with a rather remarkable man for a couple years & wanted to give him a special gift for his birthday, of his favorite photograph of me; because he will always be special to me & I will forever treasure the time we had.

See, a few years ago, I did a series of black & white self-portraits, as part of a personal exploratory art project to help me become more accepting of my own self & appearance. Some of these photos were clothed, others nude. A few quite sensual, but none overtly or intentionally sexual. It always struck me that, of all the photos and videos he had seen of me, many of which were sexual in nature, it was this honest, vulnerable image that was his favorite, so I commissioned a glass engraving of it for him.

Everything seemed great until the notification came that the package had been delivered…because it was not on my porch. Checked the locked parcel box that my delivers were supposed to be placed in; not there, either. Checked the notification again…it definitely said “left on porch”, but it certainly wasn’t left on my porch. So, whose?!?

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Called FedEx only to be told that they have no way to track where their driver actually is when they mark that they’ve left a package and since they don’t even make them take photos of the delivery, like Amazon, there is absolutely no way to try to track down who now has possession of what must appear to someone without context on the photo to be a glass shrine to my tits. And I could just imagine if the recipient were to realize that I was running for office & decide to make a spectacle out of it. Could just imagine a photo of this rendering of a photo that I worked so hard on, with poorly executed pixelation over the nipple, surrounded by snarky comments in a Lost Ogle article or something…

So, I pretty much held my breath for months, until election day, waiting on it to pop up & become an issue, but it never did. Though the thought of how shocked and appalled my Evangelical family (recovering PK, remember?) would be if it had gave me a lot of laughs along the way. Would've needed a whole fleet of fainting couches. The prayer service would've gone on non stop for weeks.  But, that didn't happen because it never surfaced. So, either someone threw it away or it’s helping keep them warm on this subzero night. Who really knows…

In the end, after many days of trying to figure out what happened to the lost crystal, the engraving company sent a replacement so I was able to give the gift as intended; and I ordered one with a slightly different crop (left) for myself, because I damn well better have one after all this trouble.

So, what intended to be a straightforward transaction to create a single piece of art, turned into an extended drama & produced 3 beautiful pieces…one of which has still not been located. I’d love to have it back, btw…but exactly how does one go about searching for such lost art? Make “lost” posters of it like you do for a missing pet? Call Indian Jones? IDK

I guess, if anyone knows of someone who randomly got a crystal nude delivered to their porch in 2020, please ask them to contact me so we can work something out, as I'd like her to join her sisters.